“Formula for failure: Try to please everybody.”
–Herbert Bayard Swope
Human nature is such that it is impossible to please everybody along life’s journey. The very actions required to please some will often, in and of themselves, displease others. Some children experience this early in life because their parents each have a separate set of goals for them. When they do something to please one parent, the other parent is displeased. This is a nightmarish way to grow up but, unfortunately, some children do experience such a childhood. Conflicts between the desires of teachers and those of parents are another source of potential conflict early in life.
The big conflicts begin on a major scale when we reach adulthood. Many parents disown and abandon their adult children simply because the child chooses to marry a person that the parent does not like for one reason or another. The religion, social status, ethnic background and earning potential of the would-be son-in-law, or daughter-in-law, are just some of the excuses that parents use for opposing a marriage.
Some parents are opposed to their children getting married to anyone. The parents see the children as property that they do not want to share with anyone else, and they manage to manipulate and control their children in such a way that when the children become adults, they will not take any action without the approval of the parent. The parents may not just come right out and admit that they do not want their children to get married. Instead, they are more likely to find fault with any and all potential marriage partners, always explaining to the children that they are only looking out for the best interest of the children.
Unfortunately, this phenomenon is more common than most of us realize. Even if the child does get married over the protests of the parent, the child will be torn by feelings of guilt over the conflict between trying to please the disapproving parent and the spouse. No person should ever be put into such an impossible situation, but those who try to please everybody will find themselves in similar situations throughout their entire lives.
It is often impossible for adult children to continue to please their parents and live independent lives at the same time. Likewise, it is sometimes not possible for parents to please their adult children. The key to avoiding such a terrible quagmire is to live by a set of principles that we firmly believe in and to make decisions on the basis of those principles. If we do that, we will often displease other people, but that is just a part of the price of living a principled, independent life. In the final analysis, the only person that one has to please is oneself. We won’t always be popular if we live our lives in this way, but if we make our decisions on the basis of what we think is right, rather than on the basis of trying to please others, and stick by those decisions, we can feel good about ourselves.
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Copyright 2024
Allen W. Smith
